As my deranged one legged grandmother once told me there are two things you should avoid in life; Drunken German’s in Messerchmits and Greed.
When my Great Grandfather Rupert played rugby for the English Empire, he survived twenty three knee reconstructions and survived three bouts of testicular wandering. In the end he just crawled around the pitch thumping any German’s he could get near to. He commanded respect and when the Great War broke out he sailed for France where he shagged many French widows. One day, Grandpa Rupert took 3 bullets in the arse from a returned presumed dead Froggy husband and was forced to eventually kill him but not before taking a bayonette to the head causing irreversible mental health issues.
Upon his return to Reigate Rupert moved in to the English underworld porn scene and so the Scrotum egend began. Freak porn shows for returned unstable soldiers were extremely popular and he befriended the great German Artist ‘Otto Dix’ who often painted Rupert dressed as a donkey wearing a fez shagging Capitalist scum. Then in 1929 Rupert’s life long dream came true when he represented England in the Ashes series where he notoriously bashed Don Bradmen senseless. Bradmen’s mates killed my Grandfather whilst he slept one night. The motto is, don’t get bayonetted in the head and don’t go to sleep if the Aussies are about.
Anyway as Ronald Reagan always said, keep it firm and keep it clean.
Hoorah
J’Scro
It might just be idle gossip, J’Scro, but I heard your Great Grandfather Rupert was the inspiration for that sublimely British phrase: “Keep a stiff upper lip.” Or maybe it was your Great Grandmother, lying on her side? Either way, your family has done so much to make the British the world-renowned wankers they are today.
And wasn’t it your Great Uncle, the trade unionist, who invented the phrase: “Down tools”? Or maybe that was your Great Aunt, lying on her side? The Scrotum family’s rich history is so complex and interwoven, I sometimes get confused. I’m glad there’s finally a literate Scrotum around to chronicle it all.
True Story – did you know in Latvia there is a tradition of spanking on Palm Sunday (called Pussy willow Sunday) morning. The spanker sneaks into the potential spankee’s bedroom and wakes him or her up. The whipping is done with pussy willow branches or (rarely) birch. This ritual spanking is often applied to the bare buttocks. Sometimes spanking is done in early morning with aspen tree birch, while people are sleeping naked or in nightgown.
HAPPY FUCKING EASTER…….
And I believe Pussy Willow Sunday is followed by Penis-Envy Monday, during which Latvian women strap on dildoes and anally rape their partners until they achieve sac-shattering prostate orgasms, usually around Haemarhoid Tuesday or Prolapse Wednesday.