As my grandmother once told me there are two things you should avoid in life; Drunken German’s in Messerchmits and Scurvy.
When my Great Grandfather Gazza played rugby for the English Empire, he survived eight knee reconstructions and survived three bouts of scurvy. In the end he just hobbled around the pitch thumping anyone he could get near to or else he’d go for one of his notorious scrotum pulls. He was a legend and when the Great War broke out he sailed for Gallipoli where he met an Aussie guy named Simon and his trusty donkey, ‘Donk’. They would go out each day and return with injured soldiers and small Turkish marsupials but one day Simon allegedly got horny and tried to shag his donkey before Donk kicked him in the skull, killing him instantly. My grandpa in an attempt to cover up Simon’s shame placed him on the Donkey and sent him out into no man’s land pretending to read the Koran until a Turkish sniper finally shot him in the arse. Following this, Grandpa Gazza took to the slopes of Gallipoli to hunt the sniper and eventually killed him but not before taking seven bullets and three bayonettes to the head causing irreversible mental health issues.
Upon his return to London he moved in to the British underworld porn scene and so the legend in my family began. Freak porn shows for returned soldiers were all the rage and he befriended the great German Artist ‘Otto Dix’ who often painted Garry begging for biscuits in Berlin dressed as a donkey wearing a fez. Then in 1929 Gazza’s life long dream came true when he represented England in the 1st ever Rugby World Cup in Paris where he notoriously bashed 5 French opponents senseless in what became universally known as ‘Gazza’s spastic meltdown at Oui Oui La Croissant’s Moulon big baguette stadium’. Three of those opponents never recovered and Garry had to take them under his wing on his remote farming property in Wales. All three married and bore children. All three became legends on the European porn scene. All three killed my Grandfather whilst he slept one night. The motto is, don’t get bayonetted in the head, and don’t go to sleep if the French are about.
Anyway as Bob Hope always said, keep it firm and keep it clean.
Hoorah
J’Scro
