Greetings friends,
Today I want to discuss your Aussie obsession with sport and why this country needs to start shagging anything that moves.
As a porn consultant I’ve worked with them all – Bob Hawke, Murray the Red Wiggle and the legendary bear tamers from the Great Moscow Circus to name but a few. However I have noticed a disturbing trend of late – Australian’s waning commitment to the cause of serious shagging.
People are hiding behind excuses of poor work/life balance, stress and lack of time – bollocks! If you can’t find 30 minutes to shag something or someone every day, then no wonder you’re stressed out of ya head. If you need to relax then chuck on ‘The Best of Bucks Fizz’, cook up a lamb stir fry from the latest Woman’s Day Jack Van Tongeren cookbook or meditate on the latest hippy bullshit CD – ‘The sounds of a dying humpback whale in distress’. I know these are complex times what with Barrack Obama claiming he’s an intellectual white man of colour while the other contender has Chuck Norris working as his campaign manager for fuck sake, not to mention your very own Kevin Rudd jet setting the globe speaking poor Japanese whilst eating dolphin sushi in Hiroshima as ya gas crisis deteriorates faster than a Mike Munro erection.
Now when I was a boy I shagged anything I could get my willy close to – carpet squares, pumpkins, antique French furniture and those big balls of Italian cheese that my grandparents hid under the stairs in case Hitler really wasn’t dead and launched a surprise comeback. Meanwhile at the recent European Adult Film Awards in Venice you Aussies ran round claiming to be on the verge of a Porn Revolution, however you continue to ‘um’ and ‘argh’ like a nubile Lesbian in a Watford Tapas Bar. Make a decision and stick to it people. Don’t roll over and take it up the clacker because some German distribution company’s not digging ya film concept of giant half Kangaroo/half man creatures bounding round your outback shagging Swedish backpackers in some futuristic Mad Max type scenario – Screw them. As we say back home – “Two World Wars and One World Cup…. doo dah… doo dah.’
Stay strong my Antipodean Cum-stars cause at the moment I’d rather watch a drunken AFL player take a dump on a glass coffee table than watch an Aussie Porn flick and that’s saying something.
Don’t forget as Winston Churchill once said, keep it firm and keep it clean.
Hoorah
J’Scro
Johnny Scrotum is sponsored by Check Mate 5000 and would also like to thank all his friends at The Worst of Perth for their technical help
And I still have those original carpet tiles.
Dear Mr Scrotum,
Your arrival on the local blog scene is duly noted and welcomed. Please post recipes from the Jack Van Tongeren book as soon as you can.
Balls to you JS.
Just in time to save a senile old immigrant from the traumas inflicted on his delicate soul (rated R ) by the rantings of the upright members of yesterday’s politically/religiously correct putsch.
Or is it that they’re putsching because they can’t keep their members upright?
Whatever.
Best to remember that there is a significant number of us old bastards/bastardesses who are determined to get closer to:
*G*rowing
*O*ld
*D*isgracefully
Just add money.
(We’ll buy our own alcohol.)
Yours Disrespectably
etc.
PS.
Your reference to carpet tiles reminded me of the priest who took a stern view of sex and consequently suffered from shag piles.
(Beat that one LA !)
OK, but you know it’s not me Rolly. J’Scro needs a little tech help in answering and moderating comments. I’ll leave your member probs with him.
“OK, but you know it’s not me Rolly”
Yeah, but I knew that you’d read it
I take my hat off to you Mr Rolly and while I’m at it my trousers as well.
GOD on my son and may we all follow your lead with great gusto and passion that springs forth from mighty wells deep inside icelandic springs that bubble effortlessly in suburban Perth.
Hoorah to you my bare buttocked friend
Mr Cohen,
Jack’s cook book is indeed an insightful portrayel into the disturbed mind of Aussie women’s magazine’s that celebrates blowing up chineses restaurants while shagging mediocrity with Ray Martin singing Liberache songs deep within my enormous trousers.
For Oz, Freedom and Federal MP’s bashing the shit out of people in public places.
Hoorah.
Let me say at the outset that I Paul Nurry at first blush, condemn your nefarious activities, despite having been editor of a paper full of ads for sluts, I call you a deviant for at first blush, having a sense of humour which I Paul Nurry as an expert on not having a sense of humour, find that it is as unnecessary as having an imagination for writing. While I Paul Nurry am also an expert in the black arts, that it at first blush pornography, let me ask at the outset one question. Although i am an expert on sex toys, more than any sensible West Australians, let me just ask, although as an expert on every topic, especially advertising sluts in major newspapers, and any question I Paul Nurry ask, I Paul Nurry obviously know the answer already, but cock rings. How the fuck do you get those mothers off?
Dearest Mr Nurry,
I don’t know much in life but I know this. I suspect you are a beautiful man full of love, compassion, honesty and most probably a bit of kiddie fiddling along the way.
This is not something to be ashamed of my friend. Light bearers spring forth from the darkness than entraps all our souls. Were you an alter server like my good self by chances sake?
Failing that, your a bitter old bastard who should have been a backbencher in political opposition at any stage of human history whinging about the price of petrol and how you can’t wander the streets at night for fear of being mugged by a foetus driving a stolen commodore being chased by a police helicopter through the streets of Mirrabooka on a rainy Sunday evening. But I suspect you are indeed a man of integrity, enormous girth and excellent staying power.
As for cock rings, try honey or melted butter.
Mr Nurry, may the sun shine upon your heart of eternal joy.
Bless you my erect friend.
And as Boris Yeltsin often remarked….keep it firm and keep it clean.
Hoorah
” …..but cock rings. How the fuck do you get those mothers off?”
It helps if you’re able to see your little willie without the aid of reflective devices.
I your case, Nurry, I have some difficulty believing that you can get the aforementioned marital aids, not even the xxxxs option, to actually stay on in the first instance.